🇬🇧 What's your love language.. wait.. what's a love language?
How we express our love
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Good afternoon, my lovely readers!
As we touch on different topics related to personal development, this week I want to talk about a concept that can transform not just romantic relationships but also the way we connect with friends and family: the five love languages. Fresh from a wonderful holiday in Sweden with my mum, I've been reminded of the importance of understanding our distinct ways of giving and receiving love and how our diverse relationships work.
If you just landed here… welcome! I’m Annalisa, I am a writer and an unconventional mindset trainer. I write all about personal development here at A Glimpse of Life, usually while sitting at my fave desk. All I want is to live a happy, meaningful and simple life, my goal here is to build a community of like-minded people who want more from life, as I do too! This is a safe place to share and feel part of a big family ✨
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Originally introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman1, these love languages provide a framework to express and receive love more effectively, regardless of gender and sexual orientation. Whether it’s through Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, or Physical Touch, each language offers unique insights into our emotional needs and preferences. I really liked reading his book! Although we speak a bit of all five of these languages, there is a primary one which we use to communicate most of the time. If we know our primary love language and the one of our loved ones, we can then deepen our connection and strengthen our bonds, improving also communication. All this, while feeling more loved. It’s amazing!
Exploring each Love Language
Words of Affirmation: This language involves expressions of affection and appreciation through words. While this is not my primary love language, affirming words play a significant role in how I perceive and receive love. I use them to express my love for others and love for myself (e.g. How I say ‘I love you’ and compliment my hair every day in the mirror).
Acts of Service: Observing the interactions with my mum, I think that she expresses her love predominantly through Acts of Service. This language involves performing tasks that make life easier for the other person. She always cooks for me when I am over at her house, sets the table, cleans up, etc., always with a big smile on her face. She likes to go grocery shopping for me and get all the little things I might need.
Receiving Gifts: For some, receiving thoughtful presents fills them with love. It’s less about the monetary value and more about the symbolism behind the gesture.
Quality Time: This language is about giving undivided attention to one another, and sharing time and experiences together. For me, it’s an important way of deepening bonds.
Physical Touch: As my foremost love language, physical expressions of love, like a long hug, provide immense comfort and reassurance, it fills me with joy and makes my heart vibrant. To me, this outweighs other gestures in their ability to fill my love tank. Quite luckily for me, my partner’s primary love language is physical touch too, and to him, kisses and skin contact are the most beautiful things he can receive.
Your Love Tank Explained
Dr. Gary Chapman introduces the concept of the ‘love tank’ in his discussions about love languages. Just as a car needs a full tank of gas to run, we need our emotional tank filled to maintain a healthy relationship. It’s our emotional storage for the love we receive. When our love tank is full, we feel secure and connected. Each love language fills this tank in different ways, depending on our personal and emotional preferences. Knowing and using the primary love language of yourself and your loved ones helps keep this tank topped up, ensuring that everyone feels loved and appreciated 🥰.
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Practical Applications
Understanding love languages can lead to deeper and more fulfilling relationships. Here’s how we can apply this knowledge practically:
• Identify Your Primary Love Language: You can discover your primary love language by taking the official quiz here2, whether you are not an adult yet, single or in a romantic relationship. This is invaluable for enhancing personal relationships and self-understanding. If you prefer a less technological approach, you can just take 10 minutes, sit comfortably, close your eyes and reflect on what would fill your love tank during times of sadness, discomfort, or when your tank is empty. Is it a kind word, a thoughtful gift, dedicated time, an act of service, or a comforting touch? They are all simple gestures that remind us we are loved. If thinking inward might seem hard, think of what you usually do to show love to your loved ones. Do you buy them gifts or take out the rubbish for them? Do you tell them you love them or invite them over for a Netflix night? We show love to others using our love language.
• Recognise the Love Languages of Others: With practice, you will recognise what your loved ones usually do for you. And of course, you can have a conversation about it, where you ask them what makes them feel loved. For instance, my partner and I share Physical Touch as the primary language, which simplifies how we express our affection. However, it’s also crucial to appreciate the secondary languages, like Words of Affirmation, which play supportive roles for both of us in our relationship. The author wrote more books specifically for teenagers and children’s love languages, to help parents understand their world better. So beautiful!
• Appreciate the Linguistic Nuances Within Each Language: Even within the same language, preferences can vary. Some might prefer cuddling under a blanket, while others might appreciate a kiss. These nuances are vital to be discussed too, in order to truly meet each other’s emotional needs.
• Ask: In moments of sadness or emotional emptiness, knowing what can refill your love tank is crucial, and so is asking for it. Knowing what you need and asking for it is key to honour yourself and to make sure your needs are met. Although your loved ones love you, they are not inside your head, so it is normal if they do not always catch your empty tank signals.
Understanding your love language, and those of the people close to you, is a practical tool for nurturing and deepening relationships. It seems a simple thing, but if you think about it, it’s actually a game changer. How many times do we hear ourselves or our friends say things like: “I do this and that for him/her, but they never seem to appreciate me or what I do! It would be so simple to just [their need expressed]”? This is a clear example of speaking different languages and not knowing about it. You might speak the language of Words of Affirmation and tell your partner all the things you appreciate about them, but they might not do the same to you and that can feel so frustrating! And for them, they might feel frustrated because they hug you and kiss you every day but they do not get the same in return. These little actions are the result of miscommunication due to speaking different languages.
For instance, by knowing that Words of Affirmation rank high for you and Physical Touch ranks high for your partner, you can both redirect your energy to learning each other’s language, because you love each other and want to see both happy! So if you give your partner hugs and kisses, they will feel loved and in return will tell you how much they love you even more, and this will make you feel more loved, and in return, you too will want to do even more to show love to your partner. It’s a very good virtuous cycle! Your relationship will take a tremendously positive course.
It’s also important to remember that our needs might change over time. As we evolve, our emotional needs can shift. What resonated with us a year ago might not hold the same significance today. Therefore, I believe a regular check-in can help you stay aligned with your current emotional preferences and ensure that you and your loved ones are speaking the most effective and loving language to each other.
In the spirit of love and understanding, I encourage you to not only identify your own love languages but also take the time to discuss and explore them with your loved ones. How do they prefer to receive love? And how does knowing this enhance your relationship? Did they feel their love tank was empty or full?
Whether you are taking the quiz or reflecting on your love languages by yourself, feel free to share your results here. I also recommend you to read the book, if you can. Share your experiences with love languages in the comments below. Let's nurture this community where we uplift and inspire one another 🤲🏻☺️
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I hope with all my heart that we will meet face-to-face someday. Until then, if nobody has told you yet today: you are an amazing person and deserve everything this world has to offer 🤍
Annalisa x
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Relationship consultant and radio speaker with over thirty years of experience, made famous by his book The 5 Love Languages.
Additionally, the site offers other insightful quizzes, such as discovering your ‘Apology Language’, which complements understanding how you and your loved ones interact.
Love this it’s so helpful to understand what works for us and those close around us. My love languages are acts of service and words of appreciation (what I want to receive) and I LOVE giving gifts (when there’s no expectation). My bf also has acts of service as his love language 😂 so we always need to remind ourselves that we both need to give and then we can also receive the same